There’s a lot of blood on your hands, but none of it is hers.
It isn’t your fault.
Stop thinking it is.
Look, you can’t change the past, but you can control how you let it affect you in the present. The first years are hard, I get it, and you do a good job of soldiering on for someone who thinks of himself as a lover not a fighter, but you go about it the wrong way. Not an unusual tale between us, but as with everything, it takes its toll. You’re left disappointed, and let’s be real: you should be. You took so many steps back — it’s no wonder you got lost.
Hiding the city and yourself and your feelings away? Huge mistake. It comes to nip you in the can. She kept you honest and coaxed you out of the shadow of your ego to meet reality, and you forgot everything once things got hard. Fell into your old ways. I know it sounds like I’m being harsh, but remember how she was? Tough love worked on you, big guy. Don’t tell me you don’t miss it.
( You will always miss it. )
You feel guilty for all the wrong reasons, and when do you ask for help, you’re not asking the right questions. Kiros and Ward are your best buds — you’d do the same for them if they needed your guidance, so why is it different when you’re the one struggling? They know what happened. They’re receptive. They care. Why do you insist on doing it the way you’d always done when she taught you better?
You know, I feel like I’m talking to a kid, but how many times have you given this sort of pep talk to anyone and everyone who needed it, and how many more will you give from then on? Straightening it out now — well.
At least we’re acknowledging the hypocrisy.
Sincerely,
——Laguna Loire.